How to deal when your breakup was only a month ago.

My ex-boyfriend asked me out on Valentine’s in 2015.

We broke up on January 19th this year.

Heart balloon
Photo by Gades Photography on Unsplash

Photo by Gades Photography on Unsplash

I spent most of the day on Valentine’s wondering if I was supposed to be upset. There are plenty of people out there, in people in my workplace, who are upset to be alone on Valentine’s, and they didn’t even have a breakup in the last month. I did, and it wasn’t simply Valentine’s, but rather my would-be anniversary as well.

But I was honestly okay.

Don’t get me wrong. I took the day to treat myself. It was a holiday, and I made it feel like one. I worked, like normal, enjoying the free chocolate a couple coworkers brought in for everyone. After work, I drew myself a bath, drank a glass of wine, and watched a movie without a care in the world. Several extremely kind people in my life checked in on me throughout the day, and I enjoyed the company.

I think the question of if I should be upset bothered me more than the day itself. I’ve heard people use the phrase “I’m dating myself” before when discussing their attitudes after a breakup, and perhaps that is what I was doing. Wine and dining myself without a care in the world.

Honestly, it may be that I was so okay because the breakup was so recent. This isn’t a situation where you “get back on the horse”. Not immediately. The memories of how we weren’t working are so fresh in my mind. All the petty arguments and flaws we’d both started to display as our time together decayed. All the stress I was having trouble controlling. The look on my therapist’s face when evaluating my answers to a questionnaire about my relationship (he’s an extremely kind man, but I could probably beat him at poker, and I don’t even know how to play).

I miss none of those things.

Don’t get me wrong, I miss plenty. There was a reason we got together in the first place, and I think 2015’s version of Cait would be shocked at how all this turned out.

She’d think I’d simply given up.

But at the end of the day, I know this was the right thing to do. I’ve gotten some flak, both before the breakup and after, for not doing it sooner. I don’t regret a minute or a day.

When we broke up, I knew it was right. We’re lucky, in that we both know that’s true. It certainly does help, that neither felt blindsided or in disagreement. It led to a bit of a strange Valentine’s, it’s true.

What I celebrated this week wasn’t being in a relationship. It was not being in the wrong one.

It’s not as traditional as a card and an overpriced bouquet, but I liked it.

And I bought a lot of discount chocolate the day after, so that’s also pretty exciting.

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