Photo by Sara Rolin on Unsplash

I’m having one of those days where I’m deeply unhappy.

Do you ever have one of those days? I ask that fairly rhetorically, because how could you not? Seems terribly human, unhappiness. We’re capable of such greatness, and something must motivate us for that part. We can spend so much time and energy planning for complex works; nothing truly stops us from turning that forethought on ourselves, and anticipating what will go wrong instead.

Still, I find it frustrating, enough so that I’ve written an article venting to the world about it. I’ve done everything right, and don’t get me wrong, it has helped. I’m getting extra sleep, I’m making sure I eat well, I’ve spent some time exercising for that extra endorphin rush. All these things to support my body, so it can comfortably house my grumbling mind.

And yet, I still can’t shake it.

Frustration, in particular, is such a feedback loop. At this point, I’m probably more upset at myself for being upset than anything else. I didn’t have a productive day yesterday? Well, let’s be so upset about that I don’t produce anything today either! Thanks, self. That’s helping.

I wish I could stop time. Take a break, without upsetting my real job, and only do what want for a while. Every day a quiet, rainy Sunday. I have not been, historically, the best judge of my own needs though. I want to sit alone writing all day. Yet long periods of being alone have usually been a detriment to my mental health. I want to clean my apartment, which is productive, but what I’m upset about is not producing writing. There’s a balance I should have to all these activities, but I don’t. I bounce to being upset about one thing then back to the opposite every other week. This week, it’s a lack of me time. A need for socialization will be next.

The patterns are familiar, yet so convincing when I’m in them.

I’m not really writing this because I have answers, unfortunately. Writing this has made me feel better, so that’s something. But honestly, I don’t know how to change. I wish I could tell you: “here’s what you do.” But I don’t have the answers. Sometimes you do everything right, and you end up here all the same. All we can do is persevere, and be patient with ourselves.

So it goes.

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