If you’re reading this, I must have reclaimed some amount of it.

Photo by Fab Lentz on Unsplash

I haven’t written in about two weeks.

It’s funny, I’ve only this goal to write consistently for about two or three months. It’s a short time, but I’d filled it with promises. I’d write something every day, whether it’s a blog post or a handful of scrap sentences, never to be used. I’d publish something, some day. I’d keep making these dumb videos I do, and eventually make just one I find worthy of being proud about.

Somehow in the space of two weeks I lost it all.

I was hesitant, embarking on this journey. A couple months went by, honestly, as just preparation. Confidence building, time filling. I’ve never worked on a project at length before, never taken on something I couldn’t rush to finish the day before the deadline. I’m good at that, at pressure.

I’m terrible at long distance.

I’ve found, at least in myself, that ambition and motivation are such fickle things. A project, a hobby, a passion I believe in wholeheartedly one day will just as easily be discarded for another. I feel guilt about it, but why pursue a personal project if I’m not invested in it, if I don’t enjoy it anymore?

These days I seem to enjoy results more than the journey, and I still don’t know what to do with that inclination.

The best way I have to describe it is “driven”. I like the word, because it implies I am simply the vehicle, that I am not the operator. I’m not choosing the speed or the destination, simply responding to the inner voice that has taken control. Left to my own devices, I begin to slow and falter, losing momentum.

I suppose it comes with practice, with time. There are so many habits in my life that I take for granted, that I don’t think about consciously any more. As I brush my teeth when it’s time, I hope someday I will write everyday, when it is time. I thought I was on the path to that, on course.

But my ambition seems to be asleep behind the wheel, or taking a quick break, because this blog is over 24 hours late, and a pretty difficult time to put together.

Does anyone know how you entice a wandering motivation back behind the wheel? Will it take bribes, or should I try pleading? What motivates a sense of motivation? How do you keep up ambition, day in and day out? Is it still “drive” when we’ve parked, paused on the roadside?

I wish someone could tell me. As things stand, fickleness seems to run heavy in my blood. And I’m not as sure as I used to be that a course of pure determination can fix that.

Originally posted on Medium.

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