Is it okay if the answer is never?

Photo by Yuval Levy on Unsplash

There’s a popular (or infamous, depending on your point of view) song that’s gotten some airtime over the last few months. You may have heard of it; it goes a little something like this: 

Ba-by shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Ba-by shark!

(If you somehow don’t know it, click here to join our suffering.)

My feelings towards my ex-boyfriend right now are a lot like the baby shark song — childish, shallow, and dangerous to my mental health mostly from repetition. 

In fact, in my head, it’s started to mutate a little. 

I hate you, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Hate you, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Hate you, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I hate you!

I know that doesn’t make me sound like the most sane person on the planet. I really do, despite how it looks. There really isn’t anything wrong with the poor guy — my logical side knows that. We didn’t match, and we definitely fought. But honestly, I don’t want to hate him this much. It’s not worth the time, the energy, or the effort. I’ve got a new significant other, one who’s more supportive, who I mesh with better. I’m writing again, and have had some success for the first time. My job, my environment, and my life are so much better now than they were six months ago. 

And yet the annoyance runs through my head, on repeat, and inescapable, like the song. 

So glad we’re done done done done done done
Glad we’re done done done done done done
Glad we’re done done done done done done
Glad we’re done!

Is it that six months isn’t long enough? It was a four year relationship. Is it really a surprise his name slips into my thoughts, when I spent so long having to consider him in so many of my decisions and actions? I can’t deny that makes some sense. I guess my question is, how much longer? 

It’s not going to take the length of the relationship to feel the sweet relief of indifference, will it? 

It makes me feel guilty. Like I’m taking for granted all the beautiful new things I’ve found. Like I’m not fully focused on the gorgeous new human in my life. These thoughts are anger at my ex, appreciation for all the amazing ways my life is improved now. And while it may be petty, it also happens to be true. 

But my significant other deserves my full attention. Physically and mentally. 

He’ll probably never know, unless he’s reading this article. There aren’t conscious thoughts, just the catchy jingle meandering through the old browser history of my subconscious. But I know it’s there. Like the Baby Shark song, I’ve reached a point where, good or bad, I don’t want to hear it anymore.

When does the next song start? 

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