Do I sound defensive?


Now should be the time for I, the hobbyist extraordinaire. I’m at home, working in short bursts when my coworkers get a break from teaching their children. It used to be that my sick time each month would be used before it truly accrued, unable to go four weeks without an extra day at home doing “real work”. And laundry.

Now I have a surplus of sick time, but stagnant blogs and channels.

So what happened? Why isn’t quarantine my most productive time? What have I been up to, if not working, in life or in my job?

Honestly, if you can, please tell me. I genuinely I don’t know. Where has the time gone? How many months has it even been? What did I do with them? It’s too much to always expect someone to have something to show for their time, but I don’t seem to have the memories. I fluctuate between feeling that no time has passed since March, and years have passed.

The most confusing part is that I’ve gotten views since I was gone. Heck, I’ve gotten views on these blogs, around five a week but that’s more than I ever expected to show. Where are these people coming from? What brought them here, where I won’t even show?

I will probably never know.

I’m not sure I’m fit for the life of a creative. Everything always seem much nicer in my head, and there’s always a better time to start. I can’t quit my job because I’m American and diabetic. I’m trying to go back to school, so I’m busy. It’s quarantine, so I’m sharing my apartment with my partner and I work better when I’m alone.

None of those things feel true. I’ve put hundreds of hours into video games over the last six months — I couldn’t spare one for a blog? (let’s be real, I don’t proofread these like I should) I couldn’t record something, just to keep the habit? I couldn’t write a draft of anything, for my entire life?

I start so many projects, and drop them even faster. I don’t know how to get over the planning phase, how to translate the feeling that is in my head to true reality. If my thoughts could make novels, or videos, I’d be the most prolific content producer you’ve ever seen. But dreaming feels like doing to me and somehow, some part of me can’t tell the difference.

So if you’re here, I’m sorry. It feels arrogant to assume anyone cares, or ever did care. And I hate that yet another one of my creations is just me venting about my lack of progress with creating anything else. I guess it’s all I can focus on because it’s all I’m feeling. I should do better. Not even in quality, just quantity and variety.

So here’s to the optimism of many, many more terrible blogs, and awkward videos. May they be plentiful, and poorly done.

Amen.

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